he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
