I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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