Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
