I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
