1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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