My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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