Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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