you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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