I just saw a hot homeless man
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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