best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
