I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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