Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
