I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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