community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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