Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize