I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize