he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
