If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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