textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize