I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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