booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
