mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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