I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
