i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
