How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
