Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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