She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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