happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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