I will die if light touches me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
