we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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