I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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