New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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