i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
