Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
