You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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