Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize