you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
two words...techno handjob
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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