Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
