Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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