everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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