I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
