I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
