Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
