The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
