You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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