but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He passed out mid-signature
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
