never play flip cup with pint glasses
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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