Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
