i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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