Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
