I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
two words: eviction party
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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