Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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