you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize