I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
