He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize