I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
