all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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