I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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