The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
